I am someone who strongly believes that God knows us very
well. He knows us so well that he knows exactly the trials and experiences that
we need to have in order to grow, in order to become the people we have the
greatest potential to become. The trials and experiences that we have are
specific to us and tailor-made for us because without them we would not learn
what we need to learn in any other way and also through them we become someone
who is better equipped to love, understand and support others. A friend
recently reminded me of a quote from Brooke Castillo of the Life Coach School
where she said, “Your past is perfect.” Which can in some ways sound so absurd
when we think back and see all the mistakes and also the horrors and heartaches
that we have been through. But, I really believe that our past and our thoughts
about the past are what led us to where we are now. Likewise our thoughts that
we are having right now will lead us to where we want to go.
I want to give you a little background about where I've come
from, to show you how I came to this understanding and also how I forgot it or
really I should say, did not want to accept it for some time.
When I was a child I was extremely reserved. Often I was
called shy. I hesitate in saying shy because I know that there are some who
would use it as an excuse. Yet it is not an excuse, merely a difficult struggle
that we work through. It might make life harder at times, but it does not
define us. To give you a better picture of what I mean when I say this I’ll
share one of my earlier memories of myself.
When I was in kindergarten I would not even talk to the
teacher. If it weren’t for the fact that my mother told her that I could talk,
my teacher probably thought that I was unable to talk. Until one day she came
in to the room I was in and saw me talking to the school’s cat. Apparently I
had no problem talking to animals. This cat gave my teacher and I common
ground. Through talking with me about the cat, I began to open up to her. But,
let me tell you something, it was not an overnight thing, change within a
person often takes time. Give yourself the patience that you need.
So, I grew up with anxiety. I would get anxious when I talked to people
but I would work through it. I had a beautiful childhood. I loved it, I know I
had anxiety, but I did not let that define me. Yes, there were and still are times when my
anxiety gets the best of me and holds me back in some way, but I keep trying
until I learn and succeed. When I was 12 years old I was asked to give a talk
in church which was terrifying for me. In my church, it is the members of the
congregation who speak in the worship service. I remember the anxiety that I felt about speaking, but I
told them I would. That Sunday, I had what I would say prepared, all written
out. I would read it word for word. At least that was the plan. My turn to
speak came, and I could not open my mouth to speak. I just couldn’t do it. I
feared more than believed. I don’t really remember how people responded to me,
I’m sure they were supportive of me, because they always were and they knew about
how shy I could be, but here is what I do remember of that situation.
I remember the resolve that I had from that experience. My failure
made me determined. I promised myself that I would speak in church. And I did.
And the next time I was asked to speak, not only did I speak,
but I have done so many times since. That determination that I received from my
so called failure caused me to be determined to not only start speaking in
church but it also prepared me to be able to do presentations at school as well.
With the Lord’s help, I became determined to not just read what I had prepared
word for word but to using a basic outline. And then from there to going on a
mission for my church when I was 21 years old and speaking to both small and
large groups of people, oftentimes without even referring to an outline. My
experience of failing taught me that I could do better, placing in me a desire
to become what I had the potential to become. I learned that I didn't have to
allow anxiety to hold me back from doing what the Lord wanted me to do. I
didn’t have to allow that anxiety to hold me back from doing what I was meant
to do. I wasn’t always perfect at that, I can remember many times where I
allowed my anxiety to get the best of me. But, I would not let it define me. I
continued trying, failing sometimes, making things awkward at other times, but
for the most part succeeding beautifully many times.
Remember the sense of accomplishment that you receive from
stepping outside your comfort zone. All the while focusing on the fact that
success comes from having done it, not from the results. The results may show failure, but know this, you are not a failure, you did something that was hard. Had I allowed my
failure to get the best of me, I would have missed out on so many opportunities
that came my way and I sure wouldn’t be writing about some of those experiences
right now.
Remember your why’s. Remember that even though it may look
like failure, that you actually accomplished something amazing by doing it in
the first place. Or in my case by learning from it and trying again. And the
more you do it, the more likely you will be to succeed.
To read the next part of my story go here: What Grief Taught Me
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