Remembering and the Process of Change

Thursday, June 6, 2019

Photo Credit: Michal Bielejewski on Unsplash

In one of my more recent posts (which you can read here), I wrote about the heartbreak I experienced in losing a child through miscarriage. I wrote about how through that trial I allowed myself to become socially cut off, I still interacted with people and went through the motions of interactions, but I didn’t really reach out to people. I came up with excuses and allowed my anxiety to get the best of me. I no longer desired to grow.

This next part of my story is how I remembered the beauty of growing. It’s about how through a long process, the Lord supported me and patiently strengthened me, waiting for me to be ready to reach out again.

In the Book of Mormon, in Jacob chapter 5, it tells of a parable. The Lord and his servant are tending to a vineyard and in it the Lord says, “Yea, I will spare it a little longer, for it grieveth me that I should lose the trees of my vineyard.” Those trees are us. He loves us and He does not want to lose us. So He continues to wait patiently for us, tending to us, laboring to guide us towards our potential. That is what He did for me. That is what He is doing for you.

Verse 59 goes on to say, “And this I do that, perhaps, the roots thereof may take strength because of their goodness; and because of the change of the branches that the good may overcome the evil.” 

Our roots are good. There is goodness within us, there is strength within us. We have the capacity to overcome the things that drag us down. We have the capacity to turn our heartache into something that makes us stronger. Yet, it is a process.

In Lucia Giovannini’s book, “A Whole New Life,” she talks about Gregory Bateson’s Levels of Change. It was so fascinating to me! It was fascinating to me because I could see my own process of change in the different levels that were written in the book. Change is a process and sometimes we move through certain levels more quickly, other times we slow, taking our time until we are truly ready for the next level. 

Level zero is the resistance to change. I experienced that when I allowed my anxiety to get the best of me. When I stopped seeking connection within the outside world of my own home. I no longer wanted to step outside my comfort zone. I resisted any change. During this time, without consciously realizing it, I was out of alignment with who I was, with who I wanted to become.

After the birth of my second child, I experienced some post-partum depression. It was not a deep depression that I know some mothers get, but I was unhappy, weighed down with the feelings of deep sadness that accompany depression even though I had the life that I wanted. Here I had this beautiful blessing, this perfect little baby, who was such a good baby, full of joy and smiles, my little bundle of sunshine. I knew all of this in my mind, yet I could not feel it to the extent that I felt I should, my feelings were dulled. I was worn out, the lack of sleep and exhaustion taking over me. I was not taking care of myself and as a result, I was suffering. The desire for change had begun within me and I moved on to the Level 1 of change, Incremental Change. Small changes of desire were taking place within me.

In Brendon Burchard’s book, “High Performance Habits” he shares that one of the habits of truly successful people is to Generate Energy. I believe that a big part of generating energy is taking care of yourself. That was something that I was not doing. In talking to my husband about how I wanted to feel more joy and appreciate my new little baby more, he suggested that I go for a walk in the morning before he left for work. He would watch the kids and I could get some time for myself.

So, with this plan in place, I began taking that time for myself. I grabbed my earbuds, turned on a podcast and would walk. I didn’t just listen to any podcast though, I listened to Gretchen Rubin’s Happier with Gretchen Rubin podcast. In it Rubin and her sister Elizabeth share tips and stories of how to create a more meaningful life.

I would come home from these walks energized, full of fresh air, ideas, creativity, and also hope. Through taking the time for myself, I was able to then, feel more deeply the love and joy that I had for my life and for my family.

It was through this process that the seed of desire to grow was planted within me. Yet, it still took time for that seed to take root and grow.

Level 2 of change is Development Change. Here I began to develop a new ability to grow and I was seeking that growth. I began to understand how I let myself be pulled into my pain to the point that I did not want to reach out. Again, the Lord was patient with me, understanding the process better than myself, and guiding me to where I needed to be.

As my 2 children continued to grow, I began to realize just how unique my oldest child was, just how pensive and also anxious she would become, overstimulated in crowded places and often times just watching rather than participating. I wanted to connect with other parents who were raising a child similar to my Lil Bug. This created within me the desire to write about my experiences and I created to talk about my daughters, reach out to other parents, and also share my own thoughts about the similarities that I shared with my eldest child.

My blog was a creative outlet for me and I enjoyed it. Yet, I came to realize that it was not just a parenting blog, it was more than that. It was also about self-development. I began to realize just how much I enjoyed self-development, how much I had always enjoyed it. It re-awakened within me the lessons that I had learned as a teenager. I wanted to not only thrive myself, but to help others as well. I also really loved the creative outlet that writing gave me, yet I still felt I could gain more happiness through using creativity in other ways as well. So, I combined the creative energy within me, with my desire to help others thrive, and in combination with recognizing the need for more positive messages on shirts, I started designing inspiring shirts (

This proved to be life changing for me. And here’s why, I connected to people. I realized the best way to effectively market my shirts was through Instagram and through connecting with some amazing people on there. I reached out to others and I posted about my story and what I had been through. I shared my shirts with their positive messages and I shared why those messages were powerful. I’ve gained the courage to step outside my comfort zone time and time again in the last year as I have striven to grow this business.

And here’s the thing: It’s not about selling shirts.

It’s about striving to help others see the potential within themselves. It’s about seeing that they can make changes in their life, RIGHT NOW, to enjoy their lives more. It’s about giving hope to those who need some words of strength.

In January, I reached a point in my levels of change, where I could finally be aligned with who I was, I felt like myself again. I decided that my word for the year would be GROW. And since then I have been creating goals and CHANGES that have caused me to grow. And I am filled with joy.

The process of getting here took me several years. Years! Yet, that was the process that I needed to go through to reach where I am now.

So give yourself time. Give yourself grace.

Grace is acceptance of yourself, including those parts of you that are harder to accept, such as imperfections and mistakes. Excuses, however, are justifications. They are your unwillingness to accept all those imperfections, all those things that you may view as ugly. Excuses are what we make when we are unwilling to accept ourselves in our entirety, imperfections and all.

But here’s the thing. You are beautiful. Just as you are, in spite of whatever you have gone through, whatever you have done, whatever imperfections you have. You can make the choice, right now, to be the beauty that is within you.

In the Lucia Giovannini’s book, A Whole New Life, she explains this beautiful exercise in which you think of those moments when you’ve felt a deep and strong admiration for something or someone. Like when a mother looks at her child or perhaps when you look at a work of art that stirs within you a powerful emotion.
Then she has you think and accept yourself, every part of yourself, even your imperfections, even those mistakes and things that you wish you didn’t ever experience. And for me, this was a process of transferring all those feelings of love and admiration to acceptance of myself. It was a realization that I am still a child, learning, growing, progressing. I am a work of art, being formed into something truly remarkable.

And that is how God sees you.
We are all children in the eternal scheme of things. We are all works of art in progress. Give yourself grace, not excuses. Accept who you are, fully and completely. And in doing so feel that love, admiration and acceptance. In doing so feel that desire within you grow. That desire that tells you of who you are becoming.

Photo Credit: Jasper Boer on Unsplash

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